Pasar a mejor vida, to leave this world..my suicide rant.
Posted: 07 Feb 2012 11:06 PM PST
He took his own life they told me. That's an interesting concept when you get beyond the sadness of the act if it is an act grown from sadness. He didn't take his own life, he took a part of the lives of everyone in his life. Some he took little parts, moments, meetings, an occurrence taken from associates, colleagues, a stranger in the night. For others he took bigger parts like the chance of adding more memories to a friendship, the opportunity to learn more and see the friendship grow. Those closest to him had some of their lives stolen. A big some the closer you get. When he took his life he took yours with him, a lot of it at first, a little of it for eternity.
He took his own life is how we gently say he killed himself like we say someone "passed" instead of someone died. I grew up in a funeral home and everyone there was dead, except us of course, and the only passing was out the door to the hearse. My father did pass a kidney stone once at the Perry Funeral Home and sometimes people pass gas when they are embalmed.
So when you take your own life you murder yourself and in the process you become a mass murderer, you kill something in each of us.
He took his own life is also used after some asshole has killed a shitload of people at his old job and then turns the weapon on himself. I always hope for confusion when the killer forgets what he's supposed to do and kills himself first, I mean passes first.
I've had time this summer here to ponder the issue as I relive a lot of the trip Rocketman and I took years ago. Many of the times, memories, meetings, occurrences, opportunities to watch us and our friendship grow have found time in every day to remind me what he took from me and all of us that were a part of his life big or small.
I oir como oir llover, ignored warnings, as I was involved with his first attempt and spoke with him an hour before his final taking and passing. But faithful promises of not a real taking and a one time occurrence brought security. Unfortunately number two take attempt involved the other of the three amigos and he too was given faithful promises of no repeats of stupid things in drunken moments. We found all this out at his funeral which I'm sure was not unique to just us.
I wonder if these people spend any time in the planning {if there is any} of who is going to find them and how that moment is forever burned vividly into their minds, lives and souls? I wonder how many people that might have stopped?
Recently I learned in an email of another long time friend both professional/personal who had died and when I got an email back to my shocked inquiry I got an even bigger one, he had taken not just his own life but a piece of all of ours. To often it does come as a shock because you either oir como oir llover or it is truly a shot to the blind side. I talked with him before I came down for the summer here and there was still the laugh in him, the enthusiasm for what he was doing {truly compassionate work} and I could see that smile that made him look marvelous as we talked on the phone. He retired, paid his dues in our world and was doing the thing he loved doing the most. On the surface he sure was not on my suspect list but the surface view of any one's life is the cover of the book and not the content and gives us either an idea of the truth of their life or what they want us to believe. Because I'm here I haven't heard anything else about it, how he murdered himself and the lives of those who loved him?Did he leave a suicide note {never referred to as a taking his own life note although often referred to as a note to loved ones which confuses the shit out of me as well} and who found him? All questions that only bring more questions, unsatisfactory answers and all the Kubler-Ross stages you go through with death and the grief attendant.
Suicide is another way of someone saying, "no te quiero ver nunca mas." I never want to see you again. They won't.
After Rocketman's fuse burned out I promised us both that I would rather lose a friendship not a friend so I will always err on the side of caution if I sense the sadness, mental madness or hear the language of hopelessness in a voice. I've done it once and it caused a gap in time on a friendship clock but I felt it had to be done and he is still here.
Last night I sat with a friend while Elton John sang Rocketman in the longest version I ever have heard and I cried through it all. There was one empty seat on the stadium floor and it was next to me. A guy with a NY giants hat turned to me and offered me a shot of his whiskey. It was Jim Beam, the only bourbon Paul and I drank. I made it through the emotion of the night like I knew I would but shouldn't have, none of us should. I know I will understand the latest piece of my life someone took, most of us do. Time does that.
This may touch a nerve with some because we would rather talk Superbowls than suicides but this is my rant just like my cancer rant. Fuck suicide and fuck you if you think it's a solution and don't call out for another view of your moment but in time I'll still and always will love you. Just sayin, TmyO....
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