Dr. Nicholas I presume...

The ad:

"My name is Dr. Nicholas. I have a special gift. My 1st and 2nd Sight has allowed me to assist people worldwide with their love, illness, relationship and business problems. I am a psychic analyst with two PHD's and deal with the unknown, working to remove curses and evil spirits. All calls are direct and confidential. Call Dr. Nicholas today at 720.231.2419 {USA}."

So of course I have to call Dr. Nick to see if he is a true psychic and knows why I am calling.  He doesn't. He has 1st and 2nd sight but I'm looking for some insight not hindsight which in Dr. Nicky's practice is more like hineysight.

I want to have the curses on my life removed and gave him my short list:

• curse of not always being in the right place at the right time
• curse of not ever, EVER, winning Powerball or Megabucks
• curse of having a prosthetic joint
• curse of not having enough joints
• curse of impermanence
• curse of having three decades more than everyone else on the road here
• curse of reading ads in third world newspapers
• curse of psoriasis

There are other curses in my life but I treat them topically or should I say tropically but these were the ones I thought he could help me with. 

He told me that there were ways to deal with these things and wanted to know if there is anyone who would likely lay a curse on me? That list is not a short list so I narrowed it down to-

•  my first wife
•  fundamentalists of any faith
•  Richard Nixon's ghost spirit
•  Republicans
•  the Chinese government
•  myself

He said I would have to make several preparations before he would be able to remove these curses and it started with my bank account. After I was to give him access to my important information so he could better understand my situation I was to go to his My Space page and,

wait a minute, here was my first clue that Dr. Nickel might be putting us on. I thought the only people that still do My Space are wannabe famous bands and pedophiles? I mean if he was on top of his game wouldn't he have a Facebook page? He assured me that Facebook was one of the biggest curses in all our lives and he said that Mark Zuckerberg was the anti Christ. 

After that I should fast for three days which would give him time to get the funds from my bank account, steal my identity and give it to a friend of his here in Panama. If he steals my identity does that mean the other Tom O gets all my curses or just the low credit score?

After fasting for three days he said that I should find an old woman, a goat, a carrot and a bottle of coconut oil. At this point I feared for the future and insisted on a taste of what he could do about my curses. I guess he realized that I wasn't going to be a good mark and reluctantly gave me a few answers to my short list:

• go to the right place and wait...
• don't buy any lottery tickets then it's not just the curse of your shit luck...
• stay away from magnetic fields and rub bath salts on my hip...
• do bath salts instead {I told him I had tried them twice and stayed in the bath tub until the water got cold both times. He said I apparently missed the point}...
• he told me he couldn't help me with the impermanence thing because I am a Buddhist...
• Viagra and "greenies"...
• don't answer any ad in any paper anywhere in the world especially ads for used, stained mattresses and psychic services other than his...
• suffer...

By this time I had enough of Skyping a scammer and gave him my old Yahoo email address so he could send me important updates. So now he'll join the legion of scam artists at that address who want to:

•  send me money that I didn't know I had 
•  share in some one's inheritance
•  lose 75 lbs in one month
•  make my dick into a fire breathing orgasm producing monster
•  meet hot chicas who are waiting to become my next wife

 Dr. Nicholas is not a lot different than a lot of televangelists, other charlatans and most governments. They all want our money and don't really give a fuck about our problems. 

At the end of the day I think the first place we should start in dealing with our problems is the last one on the list, ourselves. 

I'll get to it tomorrow. Just sayin, TmyO...

Early Observations in a familiar place...

• I quickly realize how little spanish I know as soon as I get here. Bobblehead Tomas is back...

• I must look like a drug addict with all the dudes on bikes going by and saying,”psst, psst”. One dude said he had anything I want but got pissed when I told him I wanted world peace...

• $1 cervesas and all day happy hours are the way to go...

• When it rains you get wet and that’s as wet as you get...

• 60 year old Canagringos come down here to drink or run away from something. I run away from winter. I drink to summer...

• Everyone under 40 is hooking up...

• There are 2000 peeps in Bocas and 500 of them are gringos...

• Monday is service industry day at the beach. Pretty much any day at Red Frog with Punta Lava’s $2 version of Poon Juice is a good one for me...

• Besides Spanish, I suck at German, Italian, French, Mandarin and a host of other languages passing through...

• Even in paradise you have to be careful...

• it is only the start of December but it seems six nights a week I can hear the steady bass line of some bar’s beat drops....

• You know it's a monsoony rainy time and you live on the ocean when you have to rescue a little crab from behind the refridge...

• It's slower this year to start but I think it's gonna be the shitz when ti gets it 's run on...